Theres certain things in this wrold that just leave me in nothing but frustration.  Thoughts about it, the way its abused, the way its used, in ways that people are hurt and in shambles. Soemtiems i wonder if the pain of it outweighs the happiness. Sometimes, it becomes to hard to think about. People ask why am i spending thousands of dollars and stressing myself out for such a demanding courseload, for a job that pays as low as it does. And i sit there and think about it, and i myself sometimes wonder, sometimes think of taking a different path. I hate the classes, the teachers, and the majority of the poeple involved in the program are messed up themselves. but then its days liek this when i actually realise, its not about the money, its about the hundreds of thousands of people who need people like me. people who give a damn, who want to help them help themselves. who are brave enough to step in and take action against the fucked up lives people were sadly dealt with. Im dedicated, more dedicated than i actually thought about. But sit there, reading this book, getting angry at the thought of how messed up these policies are, and the rules of which a social worker is suppose to abide by. How can you makes laws when it comes to protecting people. taking assessments before means of steeping in. what if its to late. my work is going to be to advocate against thses messed up issues, make it a more rigid system that takes action, and promotes better well being to those who are helpless, liek the children who are unable to mobilize there own life and are forced to deal with what they are dealt with,. and most of the times its too late to save them because there are those pivital points in everyones life that affect them, and scar them for life. there is always a possible time to change, but eventually if left unnoticed for such a long time, well then, in simply terms that anyone can understand, their fucked. What i want tot et into is helping teens, i believe thats the pivital point that can either save someone or destroy them. its the growth that leads them to the right path and i want to rid the harm of the childhood misfits before its too late. because everyone has a right to succeed, to want to succeed, to be happy. the true problem of the nature of the world is the fact of how people in it were treated and raised as children . molested children grow up to be child molesters and abused and battered children grow up to abuse others, alcoholic parents have alcoholic children.. the world of crime is caused, not by us,, but by those that came before us. and if no one is there to steer them in the right direction, how can they be blamed and not the people who sit by and watch it happen. doing nothing to stop it. Urgh. i dont want to be a pessimist and i dont think i am. i think that the world can be fixed, but the population is so vast and theres so many issues that do deal with them all would take a world of effort. it would mean for everyone to show selflessness, or at least some ounce of humanities towards that quiet person who sits by themselves in the cafeteria, or the ones who ac out in a crowd for some sort of attention they dont get at home. iugfduygfeuiswfgbverjghdrjkfrnbjdhr.. k im done

laser tag tonight.. WOHoohooOo

I really wish I had some sort of courage to be in touch with myself. To understand exactly what it is I am feeling. And lately it’s just a jumbled up mess that no one sees or knows about. But I feel it, the confusion, the frustration, the fear, the isolation of myself and my needs. And I’ve been thinking a lot more. I’ve been going back to that place where I use to be. That place where my mind was in a constant race with the world around it. But as my mind races my body backs away, it takes the outer appearance of nothing close to the ongoing sensation of what’s inside. And I wish I knew where to begin and I wish I had the courage in myself to figure out what exactly this feeling is all about. But I don’t and I guess that’s the idea that leaves my mind in shambles. That makes all my thoughts intertwined with one another causing them to be nothing short of pointless.
Maybe it’s because everything is happening so fast, maybe it’s because everything changed within an instant of simply closing and reopening my eyes or maybe it was all happening all along and I was just too blind to see it in its prime. Whatever the reason, this feeling exists and it’s almost sickening. It’s a feeling of bitterment, bitterment to what’s here and now, to what’s to come. With me. It’s settling in, slowly, the realization of where and what everything is. It’s all coming to the point where it all makes sense, and with that makes no sense to me at all. How everything can be laid out to fit a new beginning, a new beginning when I haven’t started taking acceptance to figuring out the ending of this one.
I don’t blame anyone for it, I only blame myself. they are my fears, they are my closures, it’s me being unable to move forward, it’s me not taking the initiative I should, it’s me expecting more than I should. I'm letting myself down and hurting from it. But sometimes it’s okay to hurt. Sometimes it’s alright to lose control. Why that is though, an answer only ones able to find once the hurt is gone and once the control is established. 

Since the death of my pepee, I found myself at a standstill. I find myself feeling sick, both emotionally and physically. I’m worn out. I’m worn out from all that it brought to my attention. Everything rolled into one. It set me on a new path, a path that I can't make my way through, lost in its twists and turns, and lost in meeting the many forks in the road. Questioning what it is that is right or wrong, not right now but for when I finally find my way through the pathway. But that's not how I should be looking at it. Maybe logically, maybe to be set and happy for the future. But what does that do to my right now. Where does that fit into my wants and my needs as who I am today, not to whom and where I’ll be in the future? No one knows what will become of that, how many more roads I will be forced to go through, and how many forks I will meet along the way. I need to be happy right now, I need to let myself be happy right now. And even though I can feel that, even though I know that it’s there and I know all that I recently said is true. I still feel this way. Unsure of everything I believe, everything I stand for and everything I want. I’m unprepared, unaware and unwilling at a time I should be feeling the opposite if it all.

Right now what I see for my future is my mom. I see it, the similarities, the causes, the symptoms, and the fear. It’s all there. I see it and I feel it and with that I fear it. I fear to let people get close, to have them feel an ounce of what I felt on Monday, only a fragment of what I will feel my entire life. Sitting there, in the front pew, I felt a sense of guilt. Guilt that I couldn't cry for the man laying in a box only 3 steps from me as I watched the rest of the lines eyes fill with tears, everyone besides that of me and my mother. Me because I didn’t care, and my mother because she didn’t know, she didn’t understand that that was her father before us. and it was then I realised that, it was when I looked on the ground and noticed that the woman next to me shared the same feet that I have be deemed with, that was the only tear I could shed. That single tear in my right eye and then resume to feel nothing again.

There’s a line that I like to cross with myself. I like to feel pity, and I think I enjoy it. I pity myself, and I let that pity control my emotions and my actions. I put so much emphasis on my needs and fail to look at everyone else’s. I’m selfish, not in how I portray myself, but in how my emotions act. It just seems life isn’t going to give up on me, and I can’t give up on it. I just have to find its medium, find out what it is I need to take from it, who I need to take from it and focus in on that. I know nothings ever perfect, I know things take time, they take effort. Nothing just is. I just can’t let go, I’m afraid to move onward, and that I know, will be my downfall in the end. Words are what grab my attention the most. And I take in everything people say, and I feel it. And I pick it apart, and I pick myself apart in reading them. I know I shouldn’t do it, I know it wasn’t meant the way I feel it, but it’s in my past, and you brought it to the present as simply as a sentence, and that scares me.  And I think that scares me so much, because it\s now that I realise how fragile and weak that I still am. Because of the way it affected me, because I see the change that it is causing with me. It leaves me at a place I don’t want to go back to, but then again it’s a place where I feel secure and safe. It’s a place that only I am aloud to control and understand. It has been my security blanket, and it always will be. I carry the thoughts everywhere I go, but I know the limits now, I just fear the next step in that. That if a simple sentence could make me rethink it all, what will happen as time continues to pass, when my reality and my control start to take over will.

i sometimes wish that the thoughts i believe and the things that i feel are able to be said in words the same way as i can express them on paper. but more often then not what it is i am feeling somewhere inbetween the collision of words issueing out of my mouth. and none of it makes sense, and none of it gives the affect of the seriousness, or the meaning behind what it all means to me. i so i sit in silence, without the ability to express myself through words, and i carry off in thought of how to grace the page in my mind. and i hear it and i feel it and once i start it all makes sense. 

my pepe died the other night. at first thought, i could care less. he was that mean old man who yelled at me for not visiting when i was younger. he was the father of a mother i barely know and the father of a mother he nearly abandoned. but the thoughts of it couldnt leave my mind. and for days i couldnt understand why it was sorrow i was feeling. i knew that it would be coming, i knew it was only a matter of time. but to feel that way, i never expected. no one in my family has past away, and i figured that that feeling was occurring because of the sensation that i never experienced before was becoming a reality. but the more i wanted to believe that, the more it didnt fit in to place. because it wasnt the reaction that someone would have in that situation. what i was feeling wasn't about the death of a man i barely knew but about the offspring he produced, the mother that i hang up on ten times throughout the day. and what i felt, was abondonment towards her. the pity that i felt was for her. its not that i hate that side of my family. its that they remind me of her, of the piece of my life that i try to erase. its selfish, and i am selfish for trying to forget, for wanting to forget. i love her. i really do, but i can't help what it is i feel inside. a fear that is my future. a fear of realising who my mother is. a fear of seeing the things that scare me the most. that the person i love more than anyone is this way. a person i never knew. i will never know who she was, who this person is that my father married. i will never know the person who gave birth to me, my mother. she is a stranger. she hasn't been through anythign with me. the important mildstones in my life, because i was too embarassed, because i didnt let it. she missed out on the most important years of my life, the hardest times that i will ever have to deal with, the incidents that made me who i am. and its my fault, and so how am i suppose to be there. when she needs me the most. more than i realise. how am i suppose to change it all. becuase everything i live with now is regret. and no one will understand. and everyone may see me in my slefish ways, but the truth is i dont know how to deal with it, i have no idea where to begin. and i think about her, and i remember the past, before i knew there was something wrong, before there was something wrong. and the memories are so vague. there falling behind. and its hard to see the carefreeness of everythign that was before. but something has to change. i need to change, but i dont know how and i dont know where this feeling would go. who is my mother, well  shes someone i will never know, and thats a feeling i will never get over.

my dad graduated today. the way i seen him. the way that i felt inside as i watched him describe it all to a room full of people. it was almost as if i was watchhing a movie of someone elses life unravelling and it was the core that i was being shown. it was a side of vulnerability, of realness that i never seen before, never knew exsisted. it was pure, it was happiness, it was the me seeing the change not only in him but in the poeple around him. and as he spoke, they where words of wisdom and love and life. they were delicate and beautiful and they were spoken through someone i thougth was long gone. it was truth. and it was love. and as i sat there, i never have been more proud of the man before me. i never felt the change to be real. that place did something to him that i never could. it gave him a second chance. it taught him what most people spend there lives looking to achieve. it taught him what life was, what embracing it was. how to let go and be open. to see life, see it through his own eyes and the eyes of others. see how good he has it, how much he has missed out on. it gave him hope, it gave him lifelong friends and memories. it made him appreciate it all, and it made him find out what emotion is. and i see the change. and i know how bad he wants it. and i know that he can do it. hes back, the man i forgot exsisted, the man i missed more than anythign in this world. that place not only gave him his life back, but it also gave it back to me. 

the purpose of things. the way that it all fits together. sometimes is a scary thought. im moving on, and im growing up. by this time next month i should be out of this house and into an apartment in Tecumseh. by this time next month i will be driving my own car. by this time next month i will have saved almost two thousand dollars. by this time next month my life wil be different. everything will be different. and im scared and im excited, and i know that it may end up not all fitting together. but i have hope. things happen for a reason. just like today when out neighbour came to the door. said it was strange to ask, but if ever we felt like selling our house, her mother would buy it. its strange to think that that wasnt just a coincedence to the day my dad gets home. i hope it all works out. not for me, but for him. becuase he finally deserves it, deserves to knows that true happiness can be a constant. 

the funerals on monday
and the showings tomorrow
im going to see my mom
and i dont know if i can handle it

when i think about it
about all of it
about the thens and the nows
the what ifs and whats to comes
and i think about it all
and i piece it all together
in its perfect little puzzle pattern. 
and i see the result
and in that result is an image of me. 
thats when i see all the joy
all the pain
all the moments that took me this far
i think not only of the memories
of the experiences
but of the time. 
of the outcomes
of all the results.
what became of it all.
and i can't help but see it full
see all the potential that has been created.
all the mishaps i thought weren't just mishaps.
i think of last year at this time when i made a video of myself 
crying by the end of it
because my hopes and dreams were in shambles
and i think who is that girl.
and i go back
and i laugh.
i laugh because that girl doesn t exsist to me anymore
i guess a part of her will linger everywhere i go
but that girl
will never be the same.
and it is all about growing up
and letting go.
and moving on, to bigger things.
that might not alwyas be better
but what does better mean anyways
how can anything be better
if your happy and i mean truly happy
how can anything be better then that.
i miss some aspects
i miss some of the people that i use to spend my summers with
and eventhough we don't talk
eventhough it may be awkward
and even though we let ourselves forget
i still care about them
and i still do love them
or her*
because just with everything.
things do change and i have accepted that fact
but i still remember what it meant to me
and what it always will.
its not pride
its just time passing.

what is my favourite thing about summer?
is it the ice capps?
the movies?
the staying up late?
the starry skies and air filled of fireflies?
the parties?
waking up to the sun shiniing through the bedroom window?
eating as many frogs as i can get ahold of?
or playing as much game cube as my heart allows?
the smell of newly cut grass 
or the sounds of birds and kids in the background.?
no
its the feeling of freedom
its being able to just be happy
for no god damn reason.
its making up new traditions and keeping old ones
its laughing until your stomachs bleeding
and singing to you no longer hear the real words.
its falling for that one guy you want to spend the rest of your life with
and making the moments of a lifetime.
its embracing all that you have
friends, aquaintances
and rolling them all into oone catagory
becuase its what they all are to you
and thats the simpilistic beauty of
family.

all i wanted in life was to been proven someting to 
to be proven that i was wrong
that they could show me
show me that they loved me enough.
that life wasnt about the bottle
or the high.
it wasn't about trying to forget
or greiving on the mistakes one may have made.
and for 4 years 
for 4 god damn years of my life
thats all i asked for
and thats all i never got.
but just then.
juist when i stopped caring
and when the unexpected was unexpected
it happened.
and nothing mattered but that
for four years
it wasn't the hours of homework
or the studying or not studying for tests.
it wasnt even the friends that were made or lost
or the many hearts that were broken, brusied and mended along the way.
it was that one fact
that one point
that in the end
after 4 years of waiting
i was proven wrong
i was proven that there is love
thats its more than a bottle
or a high
that love conquers all
and that it wasn't choosen over me,

"i have hated that word, i hated using it, but i never took the time to sit and think about why i hated it the way i did. i thought that the reason was simply becuase people were fake when they used it, that everyone was over using it. that no one cared about what it was they were saying, that they just said it because they felt they should, not becuase they felt it within them. and that was part of it. but as i was sitting there trying to explain what it was about it that made me get so built up in hate and anguish, it hit me. what it was that i hated about the word, was that everyone who has ever said those words to me, told me they loved me, didnt mean it. well at least thats what i feels and felt. the question it gave me was how can you sit there and say you love someone, when you do things that hurt them and when you know that you are slowly hurting and destorying someone by doing those things, why does one continue to do them if they are suppose to love you the way they say they do. at that moment i began to feel so sick, becuase in that small moment, i felt it to be so true. i felt like nothing, felt as if no one loved me, felt as if no one would ever be able to love me. i was scared, scared to admit that to myself, but in that second nothing else made more sense. and those thoughts stuck with me throughout the rest of the weekend."

all of my thoughts and beliefs were wrong
becuase i am loved
becuase they do love me
they show me
they are proving it to me
and for once in my life
the only thing in my life that makes sense
is that fact
and i dont want to lose it
this feeling
of beatening my beliefs i had believed for 4 years
becuase im growing up
and the first time in my life
my summers going to be different
because not one night of it will be spent crying 
over hurting that way
the only way i knew.
instead they will be spent
laying next to someone i love.
and in the end thats all that matters
because love
well congratulaitons
it proved me wrong.

its times like this that i hate the most
the constant sting in the pit pf my stomach
almost as if someones trying to get out from the inside
asif they are screaming and pounding against the surface
and my eyes are wide and mind keeps racing
thoughts about nothing
and thoughts about everything
and how a first time graduate
is hating this moment
is hating this night.

i was so excited, so very excited
everything was perfect.
a whole day of anticipating
thinking and knowing that i was the only one actually excited
excited to attend the ceremony
excited that my dad and my sister would be there
excited to see max after his trip
excited to spend the night with him.
and then it all falls down
and the ceremony sucked
and max , well i guess it just hurts.

the only good thing i have is my family
and i should have spent the night at my sisters
becuase she needed me, because she asked me
and mostly becuase
she wanted me, 

the other night, 
was horrible
the words that he said to me
the way he said it
it wasnt him
it was my father
and it scared me, and it hurt me and 
it was the hardest thing ive had to deal with in awhile
and so tonight i wanted to make it better
i wanted to be with you and only you
i wanted to kiss you and lay with you
i wanted to watch dazed and confused and laugh
or at least watch you laugh
i wanted to go on that late night walk
and find that shooting star
and make wishes about being with you forvever.
and so you made the promise
that you would spend the night with me
that you wanted to spend the night with me
like you said you would
and you told me you would call me in an hour
as i went to dinnere with my sister and father
but when i come home theres a message on my machine
and its from you
and so i call you
and you already left,
your already there.
you didnt wait for me
you didnt even care
you knew i wouldnt have a ride
and i didnt even want to go
becuase just as bad as you hate seieng my drunk
i can't stand to see you 
because of what happened
becuae im scared of who you are
becuase you remind me of something that hurt me my whole life
through what had happened not even a week previous.
and so i tell you to come here to spend the night
and you say you will.
an hour goes by and you dont show up
you finally call,
another hour you say,
i say dont bother
and you tell me no no 
you tell me how much you want to be with me
and so i wait up
as long as i can
and i fall asleep for 15 minutes
and i wake up.
its 12 30
the hour has past
and i stay up
it 12 45
an hour and a half
and so i call your cell phone
and its not on
or your not answering
and i give up
becuase i remember what it feels like
to constantly call the same line
for no response
waiting and waiting
and im tired of waiting
i dont deserve to wait
and all i wanted was to be with you
but you would rather be with a bottle of booze
i can describe to anyone what that feels like
and i dont know how i will to you
because the sensation is deathening
the thoughts bittersweet
and the memories slowly creeping back
and all i can think is
your suppose to love me
how, when all you had to do was wait.
and since you couldn\t do that
for 20 min
im stuck waiting hours
and hours.
now please tell me
why?
hope you had fun
hop you drink your face off
hope everyone laughs
and your in tons of pictures
i hope people remember you
and i hope it was the party of the year
and i hope it was worth this.

dont get me wrong
im not in a bad mood
nor am  i unhappy with my life
i have really no reason to be

i know its no ones fault
i know that it may be my own
but it still kind of hurts
and it kinda hurts alot
and throughout my forty minute walk back from maxs
i thought about what it was that was upsetting me
and i picked it apart
and i guess i realised that i let my emotions get the best of me
i always have
so how can i be mad, 
i guess i can't 
but i still can be upset if i want to 
thats something that ill get over

you wanna no what the best feeling in the world is..

ill give you a hint. 

its not climbing to the top of mount everest
its not taking that pee after you have been holding it for an hour
and its definately not going on the biggest rollarcoaster in the world after waiting in a 3hour line

,.. no im not talking about feeling it inside
like love.. 
or pain.. 
or any of that stuff

the best thing to me in the world
the best feeling in the world that shoots my endorphines sky high

its when you strip down to your birthday suit
take a foot inside a streamy bathroom
pull back the curtain.. and thats when you melt
and feel like your melting
and as your favourite song is on full blast in the room next to you
you start to belt out the words
and because no ones around 
you leave the door open
and you sing even louder
and as your singing
hot water is drenching your entire body
and you feel like your floating
and you can't help but feel so free
so alone
so incredibly happy
and you never want to leave
you just dont want to step out.. ever
until your fingers are pruned and your body as red as a cherry
and then you smell the sweetness of the air
and the soap bubbling all around you
and you feel beautiful
and good smelling
and you smile
as you forget the words to the song
and you laugh at yourself
eventhough no ones around
eventhough you know what you must sound like..
crazy.
but you dont care
because your experiencing nothing short than
...the best feeling in the world.


and you probably thought i was going to talk about sex.